"Shirtless!" the grating voice breaks into my dreams.
"I like towels!" she repeats earnestly.
I roll over in my 300 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets only to wake up with a dingy plastic horse in my face.
"Today's asshole is--" she begins as I reach out my arm and send her flying across the bedroom, "...Chris," she mumbles weakly in a pile from the corner.
I roll back over onto my back and stretch my arms over my head. As I let them fall back to the bed my right hand lands on something hard and plastic-like under the covers near my pelvis. I hear a strange humming and something begins to tickly my thigh, particularly close to my nether regions.
"What the--" I begin, as I throw the sheets away from my perfectly toned man flesh.
"I want to tickle you!"
"Pervy, g** d***it, would you get your perverted self away from my perfection."
"P is for peni--"
"Pervy! No. P is for Perverted." I say, knocking him into the corner with his horsy companion.
"Asshole." Colty calls quietly from her crumpled pile.
"Yes, Colty, I am an asshole. I feel we've established this, multiple times."
I peek over my right shoulder at the alarm clock sitting on my mahogany side table. It reads 9:30am. I sigh and swing my muscled legs over the side of the bed, sliding my feet into the two dead panda heads I use for slippers and pull on the robe constructed of their mutilated coats that hangs off the corner of my four post Italian canopy bed.
My robo-cat awakens from his corner of the room and meows mechanically in my direction. He follows me into the bathroom as I relieve myself, emptying my bladder of last nights Cristal.
I let the robe crumple to the floor, taking a moment to pause and stare at my hot man flesh in the mirror before turning on my 6" waterfall showerhead inside my steam shower.
I kick off my panda heads and step inside to revel in the steam and warm water, letting the droplets roll down my back. I lose myself in the pleasure of the perfect shower when suddenly I am disturbed by a loud knock at the front door.
I think it over and decide it is far too early for me to answer the call. I continue to bathe, but soon after another knock interrupts.
"What in the h***" I say, donning my panda robe.
"This better not be one of those incessant culty members again, trying to take pictures of my shirtless glory."
Once to the door I peek out and see that it is only the UPS man with a box.
After signing I bring the large white box into my kitchen, sitting it atop the granite counter.
***
I take out my Global steak knife from it's magnetic knife holder and slice effortlessly through the packing tape.
The box is overflowing with little pieces of magenta paper shred, also known as confetti. I dig through the mayhem and find, sitting at the bottom a smaller box wrapped in silver metallic paper. Inside the box is and even smaller box, this time wrapped in red. A bronze key with an orange plastic tag is lying inside on a cardboard floor next to a piece of folded white paper. The paper reads:
Dear M'Lord,
I am waiting for thee. Please come take me before my husband realizes I'm missing.
I'll be at the Farmer's Daughter hotel on Fairfax until midnight.
Please M'lord, I need you.
My love always and forever,
Debbie
"Oh, not again." I sigh. Picking up the key I notice the orange tag shows a room number.
I pick up my sleek iphone and dial 411.
"City and state please," the automated system asks.
"Los Angeles. California."
"What listing?"
"Farmer's Daughter Hotel."
"One moment while I connect you."
"Farmer's Daughter Hotel, where all your dreams come true. Would you like to reserve a room?" the hotel clerk asks.
"No. Would you please connect me to room 213?"
"Certainly, sir, have a wonderful day."
"Hello?"
"Debbie."
"M'Lord?" she asks breathlessly.
"Please, Debbie, not again. Go home."
"But M'Lord I cannot go on--"
"Debbie, no. Once is quite enough thank you."
"Please.."
"Desperation will get you no where."
"But--"
"No, no buts Debbie. We have crossed this bridge before. Now go home, before he realizes where you are."
"I can't--"
"Darling Deb, this is the last time. Now, hang up, check out, and go home. You have children waiting for you."
I can hear her sniffles as I hang up the phone.
Opening the doors to my massive stainless steel refrigerator I wonder what I can fill my tummy with for breakfast. "Hmm...whole wheat waffles?" I ask myself, "or perhaps some organic fresh fruit? Oh who am I kidding, I can eat whatever I want and still look this amazing..I'm eating cold left over pizza." I grab the Pizza Hut box and carry it into my living room. I plop my self down on my enormous and extremely cushy black suede L-shaped couch and click on my LCD flat screen to Maury Povich. "Girls Who Lie to Their Mothers" is the topic for today. I recognize a face from one of my many minions in the line up.
"So, what did you lie about Miss Glow?" Maury asks.
"Well, I wasn't supposed to have a myspace but--" she answers as I flip the channel.
I leave the TV on "Spongebob Squarepants" as I begin to check my mail on my iphone.
"Dog...dog...cat...cat..vagina...boobs...shirtless man...shirtless man...shirtless man...kitten...ferret...kitten...vagina..." I scan the pictures attached to the messages.
An email catches my attention, "Do You Like Scarves?" it reads.
Hesitantly I click for the message to open.
***
Mentally I prepared to answer this ridiculous question, "Of course I like scarves. I'm Canadian. What kind of question is--"
This first picture uploaded...
"Oh good god!" I said aloud.
"What in the he--" I cut myself off as the other pictures filled the small screen of my iphone's email. I scrolled up to the top of the message and rolled my eyes. "Of course."
Clicking through my phone I found the redial button.
"Farmer's Daughter Hotel, where all your dreams come true. How can I help you?"
"Room 213."
"Yes, sir, right away."
"Hello?"
"Debbie."
"M'Lord! Did you change you mind? I knew you would."
"No Debbie, what is this you've sent to my email?"
"I..uh..I know not of what you speak my leader."
"Don't pull that crap, why is my beautiful head pasted onto these less than perfect bodies?"
"Well...M'Lord...it wasn't just me it was all of culty. We thought you'd enjoy--"
"Why would I enjoy this?"
"Uh.."
"Come on now, why would I want this perfect face glued onto some ridiculously hairy or strangely shaped torso? And what the hell is wrong with the guy's body hanging in the garden? Good lord."
I heard a faint "Jesus is Lord" echoing from my bedroom.
"Shut up, Colty!" I yelled toward my door and turned back to the phone, "Now, please, no more of this. One day..yes, one day my faithful servant I will come down to your plane of existence and show you all my magnificent glory, but until then please do not attempt to make cheap imitations . Stick to the kittens, love.." and I hung up the phone.
"Is that Hugh Jackman's body?" I asked myself aloud, "Oh please. No comparison." I tossed my phone onto the couch and went back into the bedroom to deal with the plastic twins.
Sitting on the bed, his nose buried in my previous night's pair of skivvies sat Pervy.
"Oh good god, horse." I picked up the Versace briefs with my thumb and forefinger and tossed them away.
"Humping makes you sweaty," he said as I sat next to him on the bed.
"Yes, it makes you very sweaty. But honestly, horse, you must stop spying on me every night. It fills your little plastic brain with too many wonderful visual images that you can never experience. Yes, I am a god. Yes, I do get sweaty. I'm sorry son, you however do not, nor cannot ever sweat. It isn't possible with the material you are made of."
He swung his head in my direction to look me in the eye,
then sadly held his head down low.
"Hit that doughnut?"
"The closest thing you're going to get to a doughnut is that little monstrosity in the corner." I replied as I went to fetch Colty.
With one long piece of duct tape I adhered the two to the back of my bedroom door to keep them out of my way.
I shuffled to the closet to pick out my outfit for the day, I was still only wearing my panda robe. "Hmm...sexy denim button up shirt? Cute black t-shirt with blue bird decal? Gorgeous all white suit with sleek stylish black tie? Oh what's a god to wear?" I settled on a tight fitting pair of...
(Sarah aka JJ stops to ponder if Chris actually lurks on here and reads these posts and has a moment of panic. Is her youtube address really attached as a signature? yes, yes it is. Oh well, she thinks, this can't be any worse than the shirtless scarved pictures I made....can it? She resumes...)
...designer jeans and a blue t-shirt. As I was putting on my shoes I realized, "Good god..I mean me..I haven't had my morning romp yet? How will I function without a nice bit of sweatiness? Hmm...who to call? KB? No, she's all the way across the lake. Glow and NN are major jailbait..VV is engaged..Nova's married, well I guess Deb is convenient for now."
Sliding into the living room I pick up the phone from the couch. Redial.
"Farmer's Daughter Hotel, where all your dreams come true. How can I help you?"
"213."
"Yes, sir."
"Hello?"
"Deb."
"M'Lord! I am so so very sorry about those pictures. Of course they did not do you one ounce of justice, you are far too perfect for us--"
"Shh. I'll be there in 5 minutes."
I fished the key from the box in the trash and found my car keys near the door. As I climbed into my sleek and sexy BMW z4 roadster, black of course, I wondered to myself how many women, crazy cat ladies or not, were dreaming of sleeping with me at this very moment.
***
While driving back from the Farmer's Daughter I was stopped at the corner of Fairfax and Beverly Drive. All of a sudden I heard a horrific screeching noise. It sounded like screaming kittens in a molester van. In a flash my beautiful black z4 was wretched into on coming traffic after being rammed from behind. (now now ladies). Luckily everyone was at a stop and I was able to eject my gorgeous self from the car without any damage. I turned and walked back toward the old green Dodge Neon that had ran into me. The driver looked shaken, or perhaps not. His reaction to seeing me was something I couldn't read. I understood completely when he leapt out of his vehicle shouting, "M'LORD!"
"Oh brother." I thought to myself.
"David? I should've recognized that face from those degenerate Culties...although to give me some credit without all the black pen around your picture its hard to tell what you actually look like."
"I am so incredibly sorry M'Lord. What can I ever do to make it up to you?"
"Well first of all you can let Kelsey and Lor Blitzer out of the trunk."
"Oh..right...um, M'Lord..how did you--"
"I'm a god, remember. I know all."
"Right."
I watched as he meandered around to the back of the Neon and popped the trunk. Kelsey tumbled out first, followed by Lor. Without glancing in my direction they took off running back toward downtown LA.
"Well at least I won't have to deal with two more minions," I thought as I turned to look at the smoking rubble that was once my car.
"M'Lord?" David started.
I held up my hand to silence him.
"Just take me back to my house, and don't say a word."
"Yes, dear--"
I flexed my hand again for him to silence.
"Oh sor--"
"Zip it."
He nodded and went around to open the passenger door.
Once back at my house David handed me his wallet.
"I doubt if this will cover it."
"My insurance will take care of it, M'Lord. Even if I have to take out a second mortgage. This is just penance money."
"Fine. My people, they'll call your people."
I glanced down at my Rolex, it read 12:56pm. "Wow, I guess time with Deb took longer than I thought. What am I saying..of course it did. I'm a god, remember."
As I walked up my marble steps I realized something was off. The door of my home was slightly ajar. "G** Da****, Colty." I cursed mentally. I saw movement, which I instantly recognized was larger than either of the plastic twins or robo-cat.
Slowly I crept into my house and checked all the rooms. Finally I got to my bedroom and heard rustling followed by muffled voices. I kicked the door open and found a brown haired girl sitting in the corner of my room holding on to the Versace briefs I had taken away from Pervy only hours before. When she saw me her green eyes flickered with fear and then admiration.
"Jj, get the f**k out of my house."
The scared girl, still clutching the undies bolted from the corner, passed me and the horses and ran out the open front door.
"Da***t, that is the fourth pair this week. That girl can sure pick a lock."
With one sweeping motion I yanked the tape and horses from the back of the door. Dragging the tape behind me, animals still attached, I went back into the living room. I freed the older perverted horse first and set him onto the coffee table.
"Jugs are for juice," he says.
"Yes, she does have some nice jugs, but she's absolutely mental. I hit that doughnut once, and look what happened. She ends up back in my bedroom, stealing my briefs at least once a week."
"As**ole," chimed Colty, still stuck in her spot.
Without much finesse I ripped her from the tape and tossed her next to Pervy.
"Today's as***le is--"
"Finish that sentence and I'm tossing you in the toilet."
"I like towels."
"Yeah, yeah."
I pulled my phone from my back pocket and checked some more emails.
Dog..puppy...canary..canary...puppy...cat...cat..cat...cat..cat...Ian the cat...van....naked van...
kitten...hedgehog...rabbit...BfO...
apology letter from Debbie...apology letter from David...ransom photo of stolen briefs from Jj...
cat...chicken...dog...letter from CEO of HBO wanting to give me my own show. "I don't get out of bed for more than $1 million an episode, forget your measly $800,000." I typed back.
By the time I finished browsing the emails it was nearly 5pm (17:00). I floated gracefully back to the kitchen and yanked open the refrigerator door. "Finished the pizza...damn there's nothing good to eat."
I remember that the Chinese take out lady was sweet on me, who wouldn't be, so I called and ordered some grub.
After eating my self into oblivion on the best sesame chicken ever made I fell asleep on the couch. I was exhausted, it had been a very busy day.
My phone buzzed and woke me from wonderful dreams of millions of minions at my command.
"Chris?" a sweet voice purred from the receiver.
"Correct." I answered.
"It's Trista."
"Oh...hey Trista" I perked up.
(edited for mature content)
After finishing my eventful phone sex call with Trista I decided it was time for my evening shower. I stripped down bare in my living room, leaving the days clothes in a heap on the floor and padded into my bathroom.
"I want to tickle you." called Pervy from the coffee table.
"We've tried that once, P. It doesn't quite work that way." I replied.
Showering took me over an hour. I really needed to scrub after my morning romp with Deb and then my phone call with Trista. I was a very dirty boy.
When I finally returned to my bedroom and turned on my MacBook it was nearly midnight. I skimmed my mailbox once more and picked the first three lame cat and dog pictures of the group and set them for auto-delivery on my typepad account then shut the system down.
Colty and Pervy climbed onto the night stand beside my bed for the night and I gave one last stretch and yawn as I closed my intensely pulchritudinous eyes for the night.
...The End...
(Message moved here by lyanne on 2008-05-01 06:34:50.577)
